I’m so tired.

The following is a musing that arose from that exact moment when you awake and an idea or dream fragment is so strong in your memory it repeats over and over. On this day I woke singing ‘I’m so Tired’ and I had a few moments to think about it before I got up.

I’m so tired, I haven’t slept a wink
I’m so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no . . . .

No indeed. I had a bit of a rubbish weekend on the food and drink front bring very busy I talked myself into believing excess was all right.  Monday morning arrived and I felt hung over with an  overwhelming tiredness and two steps from slipping into bad old habits. No no no I can’t let that happen.

Two years ago I felt really tired. I also had a sore back, hips, knees, ankles. I was 44sh and tended to lie there in bed thinking I may have seen the best of my times. I have had a good run at things and have built up a beautiful life. I am starting to deteriorate physically and I should be grateful to have had such a good time getting to where I am. I was also very very overweight.

But I couldn’t stay in bed feeling down and depressed, that is no way to spend the next fifty years. I was feeling a little bored with myself and remembered there are a lot of things I have yet to do.

I got up and started making changes. For my eating and drinking I introduced moderations, common sense, and a bit of obvious scientific knowledge (like too much is too much which is  similar to common sense but more measured) and I started walking. I was already walking every day with the dog but I increased the effort and made it more ambitious. I know the dog enjoyed this and before long, I appreciated it too. I could go further, steeper and usually quicker. I started stretching, weight lifting and strength building.

Over time, this has and is a successful challenge to feeling tired.  Two years along I have shed a lot of weight, not all, but more than I thought I could. I can cover considerably more ground at greater speeds than I thought possible and have discovered muscle groups I never knew existed. I still get tired, but this tired is often a result of hard work/effort and is enjoyable. Good, bone deep fatigue, married with a comfortable bed, is a match made in heaven.

This morning I felt tired and hung over, but also a bit let down by myself for overdoing the food and drink over the weekend. It is always going to be this way, life and the things that happen every day can’t be stopped and you wouldn’t want them to stop, that would be boring. There is never going to be a perfect run of fitness and eating that never ges disrupted b y life. I love life and it is always welcome to disrupt my day, I can think of nothing better.

 So I pushed back some work. Had a good breakfast, a bit of admin work, stretched, worked out a bit and took a 5 mile run up through fala moor a few miles south from here. The hills were completely fogged in with a layer of snow and ice and initially, I didn’t feel I could do this run.

The first mile of this run is uphill and can be a mental challenge not to stop and I’ve learned to recognise the different voices in my head. One voice will suggest I stop and go home, the lazy voice. Another voice claims to be really tired already and barely able to breath – that is the voice that is afraid of success. There is the voice that assures me there is something wrong with my knee or my ankle and that if I don’t stop I will be permanently injured – the voice of doom (perhaps also fear of success). The voice that tells me I will never be as good as any other runner on the planet nor as good looking so why eve try – the voice of envy.

The one voice that I can hear better than the rest is my own voice. I’ve decided that now, two years later, many stone(kilos) lighter, those voices in my head have done nothing to help. It was my voice that got me moving and my voice that decided what I would eat. My voice can assess my body and mental state. I know when I am just feeling lazy or a bit down. I know when my legs are feeling a bit tired but also that they will get their wind back if I persevere for another 5 minutes, and then I can concentrate on the next five minutes. Where Initially I could barely jog 100 metres, I can now, quite happily, run along for five miles.

Sometimes listening to the right voice in your head can make all the difference. Figuring out which voice is feeding you the good information is the challenge.